So from that day, I developed a new routine: every morning I would grab a cup of coffee, my Bible, a pencil and go to the terrace where I would chat with my Daddy.
Lots of ideas went through our heads since the 8th of March regarding our property: to sell our house and relocate, to fill up our swimming pool with lots of sand and make a garden or dance floor in that space..... to do SOMETHING, actually ANYTHING which would make it easier for us to face it every day.
Dirk and I decided not to make any major decisions for one year, just to calm down a bit and to gain some perspective. I was hoping that the swimming pool will become just the swimming pool for all of us.
It was the middle of the strict lockdown, nobody was allowed to visit anyone, kids were constantly in the house without any friends, it was challenging to keep them busy with something constructive.
The weather was very hot, for a few days the temperature was in the high thirties, kids were walking around the swimming pool with such a desire to swim, but they could sense the tension in the air and didn't even dare to ask permission to dip in. One morning I overheard a conversation between Mila and Nicole - Nicole confidently said to Mila that they won't be allowed to swim in the pool for the next hundred years.
I was sitting on a terrace with my Bible and as I looked at our swimming pool I realized that I am a prisoner of my experience, all painful and very graphic memories came back... But I also got very angry... I refuse to be a prisoner, I refuse to live in bondage, this pool won't become my stronghold.... it was like a wave of holy anger rising in my heart... and strong desire to fight for my own freedom!
I switched the swimming pool pump on, removed the pool cover, and started to clean the pool from leaves and dirt …. it was like a real fight ….. I worked 15 minutes on the pool when I was crying for another 15 minutes in the bathroom.... but after crying I came back to keep on cleaning the pool …. it wasn't just about the pool....it was a battle for my own heart, my freedom was at stake.
I was determined to win it! My future, the happiness of our marriage, joy and fun in my relationships with our kids were on the map. I also had a strong feeling that this is God`s perfect will for me – Jesus went through lots of pain and suffering on the cross to set me free and this is my part, the work which only I can do and have to do, to stay in His freedom and not to get trapped in my past, this is my way of showing my trust in Him, that I trust Him to pull me through into the better future.
I repeated the same exercise for the next couple of days, and eventually gave the green light for my kids to swim in our swimming pool again, it was very emotional the first couple of times, I was just sitting next to them to make sure that they are safe. Kids picked up that mom has an issue with them swimming there, so I had to make a mental decision to give them more space and give them more freedom to enjoy the pool.
Going through life we all have our “swimming pools” to fight for: at home, at work, in our relationships where the hurt of the past doesn't allow us to enjoy the blessings of the present. And it is in our ability through God's grace to win these battles... yes, it is not easy; yes, it is very painful; yes, it takes time; yes, it requires lots of humility …. but it is definitely worth it.
And today, as we swim in our pool, we can testify that God's grace is sufficient, a sufficient amount of God's Grace is able to break any chain!
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