It happened in the middle of strict lockdown, all of us had to stay at home. Kids had to be entertained and homeschooled. All of us at that stage was going through a low dip.
It was a challenge to be an emotionally fully present mom for kids while my heart was completely broken, I just tried to distance myself from kids time from time, so I could mourn over Michelle and kids would stay in a happy space.
Our girls are extremely sensitive and discerning, so even if I tried to smile and pretend that I am OK, they just could read me and see that I am not. And they didn't want to cry with me. They told me that they are missing Michelle, but they cry when nobody sees them. It felt like they are trying to protect my emotions..... and they were just kids of 6 and 7 years old.
One afternoon I put on cartoons for them, quite a saving grace for parents, and went into the room just to be alone for 5 – 10 minutes, it was afternoon 12:00 o'clock. A few minutes later after a “little bit” of thinking I looked at the clock and couldn't believe my eyes... it was 14:00. So for two hours, I was staring into the empty wall... Huston, we have a problem ..... I realized that I was in trouble.
The Holy Spirit addressed my thoughts:” Do you want Me to pull you out or do you want to stay here?”
Quite a simple question .... which is very easy to answer for a healthy mind, but I was hesitating with my answer …. just when I was in that depressive absent mood, I kind of feel Michelle`s presence, I felt her smell, her touch, heard her voice, saw her smile..... but at the same time I realized that whatever I feel is not real, she is not with me any more.
The Holy Spirit interfered my thoughts saying:” The longer you stay here the harder it will be to pull you out”.
- I want to be pulled out, - I replied
- Just hold with both hands onto Me, and look in My eyes, My word. Don't get distracted, focus on Me. Choose your foundation and stand on it.
That day I learned a new lesson: I can “visit” depression for a short time but I shouldn't “live” in it.
After this event I made adjustments to my schedule, I allowed myself to mourn for 30 minutes at a time, after that, I would wash my face and did some house job or gardening. A few weeks later I have limited that time to 15 minutes at the time.
Looking back I am amazed how day by day, addressing one issue at the time the Holy Spirit was guiding us into His healing. We did one step at a time, small steps of obedience, it wasn't glamourous or spectacular but rather humble small steps of faith, ... just trusting His instructions and aligning ourselves with His direction..... we are walking this journey of faith... and He is the Way.
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