The next day after the memorial service we woke up and the Lord did renew His mercy, Dirk and I just looked at each other and acknowledged that we do feel a little bit better. We were using sleeping pills for a few more days but soon we started to wean ourselves out of it.
After Michelle went to heaven one of Dirk's friends, he is the doctor, came to our house with the package of the sleeping pills and gave us his medical advice – your job now is to do these three things religiously: drink, eat and sleep; make sure that you drink lots of water, eat enough and have a few hours of deep sleep. Looking back – it was the wisest advice given to us.
People who couldn't make it to the memorial service visited us and usually I would share the details of Michelle`s last hour on earth. One day our friends were visiting and I went into describing what had happened that evening and all of the sudden I started to feel dizzy... The Holy Spirit told me to stop! I got a clear understanding that I must skip all the details.
I believe there were two reasons why the Lord told me to stop: for my own sake and for the sake of my listeners.
For my own sake - every time when I was going into the details I was reinforcing my own trauma; every time when I was verbalizing it– all graphics and pain of that night became alive which was prolonging my healing. We were praying that the Lord would wipe out all graphic memories and replace it with the memories of her joyful personality.
For the sake of my listeners – by going into the details I was painting a too graphic picture in their minds putting trauma on them.
So from that day Dirk and I were skipping as many details as possible when we were sharing our story.
Two waves.
At some stage, it came to my attention that what had happened with us didn't just influence us but the much broader circle of people. First - the four of us, then our immediate family, then our close friends, then people who know us, then people who heard about us... It created a wave of pain, brokenness, confusion. I realized that this wave is very real. I just saw this wave of pain spreading wider and wider, influencing and confusing more and more people.
I felt like I have to defend God. I wanted to communicate to people that God is still a good God. And we are, like never before, convinced in His love towards our family.
I remember one evening, I was chatting with the Lord in the garden and He wasn't very keen on my idea to defend Him. It felt like He was looking at me with a big question mark in His eyes: “You?...... Defend Me?”. He posed and paraphrased His question: “Lyuda, do you want to defend Me or do you need my protection? Who is bigger? Who is stronger? “ I got the message but the Lord kept on speaking: “This is not your battle but Mine! Go out of the battlefield otherwise you will get hurt, run into Me and stay there! You are just a human and I am the Lord! Stick to your limits and allow Me to be Me”.
What a relief to know that my God is in control and He doesn't need my protection, but He is my Protector!
After that chat, I saw a new picture, a picture of the second wave which is coming! And it will be a huge wave initiated by God! A huge tsunami of healing, reconciliation and restoration. It will be born out of His heart and He Himself will make it happened.
We are waiting in expectation to see this wave, a wave of healing and restoration.
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