Updated: Feb 2
Our defining moment as a couple took place on the 8th of March 2020 in the waiting room in the hospital.
When the doctor brought us the final news about Michelle, I had a split second to respond. I was like a ball on the top of the mountain – I could go in any direction.
Suddenly I saw my hubby kneeling and praising the Lord; he was singing: "Lord, You are beautiful, Your face is what I see"...... next moment, I found myself kneeling and praising the Lord. I am eternally thankful for the leadership of my husband.
I saw very bright but gentle light while praying in that room..... only later I realized that I was kneeling face down with closed eyes, and the lighting in the hospital waiting rooms are usually soft.... seems like I saw the light from heaven.
One day when we come to heaven and see Jesus – it will be our natural response to worship Him; when we pray for a breakthrough and God comes through – it is natural to praise Him, but we were given the privilege to worship Him in the deepest pain which we ever experienced on Earth.
From that waiting room, we went to say our final goodbye to Michelle's body; I was crying.... my hands were shaking … was very tough …. while I was saying my last words to her, the Holy Spirit gently but firmly told me: "There is nothing you can do here, but there are two girls at home who needs you right now". So I stood up and told Dirk I wanted to go home.
Our friends were waiting for us at the hospital... I don't remember much; time froze.... everything was like in a fog... I just thought: two girls at home need me right now.
It was 19:00; on Sundays at 19:00, I chatted with my dad via Skype, so he called me as usual. I broke the news, telling him what had happened and how tough it was. My dad cried; he was shocked, and I cried ... it was a very short conversation.
I realized that all our friends were following us on the way home. At that moment, the Holy Spirit told me:" Your house is not the place of mourning, but of Peace and Joy and Love". I told Dirk that I didn't want people to come into our house and cry there, so we just said goodbye to everyone at the gate. We still had to break the news to our daughters.
When we entered our house, I sensed peace and joy; I am very thankful to my friend who came through to be with our kids; she was very calm, and I wouldn't be able to do a better job.
As we entered the house, our oldest daughter Nicole asked: "Where is Michelle?"
Dirk answered: "She is with Jesus," Nicole asked: "Is she dead?", "Yes", - was Dirk's response.
For the next hour, this truth was sinking in. I took a hot shower, and the kids joined me on my bed, crying for Michelle. Nicole wanted to know what Michelle would look like when she grew up; she missed her sister. Mila was crying, saying that she was missing Michelle.
I was very calm; I experienced the presence of the Lord and His peace which cannot be described. So I could comfort kids with the thought that we all would be reunited one day, and Michelle would be waiting for us in heaven.
The same evening I recorded a message for some close friends telling them what had happened and asking for prayer support; I knew that it would be the most challenging journey we have ever walked as a family.
It was a weird experience where your spiritual being and your human being stand face to face..... from one side, you experience this immense inner pain and brokenness, and you can hardly breathe... but from the other side, God Himself sustains you … He was holding me together ….. He put me into His heart so that I could live. He was talking to me with such clarity like never before. I just knew that He deeply loves me, which gave me a reason to push through …. or rather, He was the One pulling us through.
The best way I can describe it - is that before the surgery, you receive the anaesthetics to be disconnected from the pain; in the same way, the Lord gave me a substantial injection of His presence which lasted for the first four weeks. It was an incredible four weeks of His closeness.
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