The first three weeks I couldn't read the Bible but the Bible which was inside of me was ministering to me. Every time when I needed clarity the right Scripture would pop out in my heart.
After three weeks the Lord told me to prepare myself for the day, take my Bible and go to the terrace, He will speak to me through His written word.
To go to the terrace was a huge challenge for me because on the 8th of March everything had happened there, just outside of our house, so it was too painful to be on the terrace, we didn't sit there, didn't barbecue there, didn't play with kids there, we just totally ignored that space. But if the Lord tells you to do something you just do it out of obedience, you choose to trust His guidance.
That morning I unlocked the door, went to the terrace, set on the chair, opened my Bible. Of cause it was very emotional, I had to fix my eyes on Jesus and to unfix them from the environment … the Holy Spirit was ministering to me at the exact place where everything had happened; the Lord was revealing His Word, redeeming that space, and replacing my trauma with Himself.
Some people don't ask God too many questions as if God might be offended or see it as unbelief. I am just the opposite - I run with all my questions to Him. I don't consider myself intelligent enough to ask God questions which will puzzle Him or drive Him to the dead end.
I was really struggling with the question of the purpose: why her life was so short? What was the purpose of taking her so early? After my brain almost boiled from all sorts of thoughts I eventually could formulate, verbalize, and bring them to the Lord.
I experienced deep compassion from Him, Jesus was crying together with me. He told me that I am searching for the answer in the wrong room and one day I will have all clarity and understanding but in meanwhile He asked me these questions:
Do you believe that I (God) is real? - YES, was my answer
Do you believe that heaven is real? - YES, was my answer
Do you believe that Michelle is with Me now? - YES, was my answer
so... Did you lose anything for eternity? - NO, was my answer...
What a beautiful reminder from the Lord that we are eternal beings who have a temporary human experience.
From that moment it became my foundation on which I could face each day. I lost nothing for eternity. We will be reunited. For a little while I won't see her, but eternity we will spend together.
From that day eternity became part of my daily reality.
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